Roll the Credits
by Niftu Cal
Summary: You know what they say: imitation is the best form of flattery. Parody is a form of imitation. Therefore, parody is complimentary. And with the ending Mass Effect 3 gave us, there's ample opportunity for flattery. Think "How It Should Have Ended" style.
1. Destroy: I'm not even MAD

"The choice is yours." The Catalyst concluded, stepping back to let Shepard decide.

He paused.

"Question."

"Go ahead."

"This pulse can destroy all synthetic life?"

"Yes."

"And there are absolutely no fail-safes against it? Not even for yourselves?"

"Correct. Not even the Reapers can survive the pulse."

"Then… if this pulse can destroy all synthetic life… why don't we just use it whenever synthetics threaten to destroy all organic life?"

"… What?"

"I said why don't we just use this to wipe out the synthetics whenever they threaten to destroy all organic life?"

For a brief moment, all the Reaper forces across the galaxy paused.

"… J-just pick an option, Shepard. It is not a thing you can comprehend."

"Apparently I'm not the only one."

Fin

Note: Just because you're a Paragon, that doesn't mean you're also an idiot.


	2. Control-F-U

Shepard weighed his options, and it might have just been the blood loss talking, but things were looking pretty dim.

"So… if I destroy you, I kill off all the geth, too. EDI. All synthetic life."

"Correct."

"And the relays get broken."

"Yes."

"So what's to stop me from choosing control, using you to fix the relays, then flying all of you into the nearest star?"

"… Um, y-yeah. You could do that. OR! OR! You could use us to establish galactic peace!"

"Huh?"

"Think about it! Who out there could oppose you? You'd have an army of Reapers at your beck and call! You'd be immortal!"

That was a thought. Shepard was pretty used to do whatever the hell he wanted and getting away with it, but this could seriously expand the scope of what that would entail. Decisions, decisions.

"Hmm. Ultimate power..." He weighed in his right hand.

"…Screwing you over..." He weighed in his left.

"… Yeah, I'm going with the star idea, thanks."

And so he did. For reasons known only to itself, Star-child allowed this to run its course, its consciousness being replaced by Shepard. Shepard ended all hostilities by the Reaper forces and began the Reconstruction, though with a few delays due to reallocations of machine-power (which may have included sending Harbinger to follow the Council members everywhere air quoting "Ah yes, Reapers"). Repairing all the damage caused by the War would take decades, but in the meantime, Shepard saw no reason why he shouldn't live it up a bit.

"Diagnostics complete. Avatar form fully operational. You can start your download anytime, Shepard."

A deep bass voice echoed through the confines of the Normandy's Medbay. "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL"

Shepard's body shook, eyes opening to a brilliant shock of glowing yellow green. His whole body glowed with an unholy aura, crackling. The crew jumped back, swearing and fingering their weapons. The Reaper Shepard leered at them mockingly.

"AW. YOU GUYS ARE ADORABLE"

He blinked, optics fading to a cool blue, smirk firmly stamped on his face.

"You really fell for that, didn't you?"

They rolled their eyes. Yep. Shepard was back alright.

"Well, you've managed to hold onto that winning personality of yours, so I can only assume it was a success. How do you feel?"

"Meh. Like a genie feels going back in the lamp. Couldn't you at least have saved my real body? You did it before."

"I do believe in second chances, Commander. I'm not so sure about third ones, though."

"Hey, cheer up Shepard. You heard the doctor. At least you still have your personality."

"Thanks for that, Garrus." He replied sarcastically.

"I must admit, Shepard. I find this new form of yours to be quite aesthetically pleasing."

"Hey, EDI, I'm standing right here."

"Yes you are, Jeff. Yes you are."

Shepard turned, his eyes settling on the one person he might admit to being wrapped around her little finger.

"So! Think you can get used to having an immortal robot for a mate?"

"I put a hand in the design, you know. Made sure to include a few… interesting modifications of my own."

"Hmm. Maybe we should take it for a test drive."

"Okay, sexual tension is loud and proud here, people! Let's move it along and give these two animals some space! Crazy kids..."

"Oh, and by the way, Shepard" she purred, moving in with a sultry sway. "Happy birthday."

Fin

Note:Because Renegades make their own endings.


	3. Synthesis: The Harmony Beam

(NOTE: to be read while listening to "Shout" by Lloyd Williams)

The Crucible worked.

The magical green beam turned everybody into organo-bots.

The Reapers decided to stop reaping, no longer seeing any need to do their great, incomprehensible work. They fixed all the relays and shared the knowledge of all the past generations with the surviving members of the galactic community. They received a shiny plaque for their contribution to society.

Everyone decided that humans were amazing and threw them a great big party to celebrate their hero Shepard's unilateral decision to turn everyone into organo-bots.

The krogan forgave the salarians, turians, and asari and became nice, peace-loving people. They are now the galaxies leading producers of medicinal drugs and reggae music.

The quarians and geth not only reconciled, but found a way to create cross-species babies. In fact, everybody started having cross-species babies. Even the babies.

The turians decided to give up their martial lifestyle and refocused their efforts on making baby cribs. Their preschools became the finest in the galaxy.

Everyone forgave the asari for holding back on everyone so they could become the top dogs, and the salarians for ditching out on the final battle. (They still suck, though)

The Council was disbanded in favor of the Super Awesome League of Everyone, which finally accepted the elcor, volus, hanar, and drell. Ironically, SALE was a democratic socialist government, and everyone got free health and family care.

The vorcha decided to go to night school and get a real job, inspiring a new wave of inspirational films and books.

The rachni befriended everyone, with the small, scuttling ones quickly becoming favorite household pets.

The Leviathans reconcile with the Reapers. They too make sweet love and hybrid babies.

The batarians all got space AIDs and died, because nobody cares.

And there was never any more war, or death, or greed, or evil anywhere.

Because everyone was now organo-bots. Because Mass Effect.

(end music)

"The end. Oh, I do love a happy ending, Lawrence!" Dr. Nefarious exclaimed, wiping a nonexistent tear.

"Indeed sir. But whatever happened to the crew of the Normandy?"

"Those squishies? Who cares?! It's not like anyone was invested in them anyway!"


End file.
